“Who led you? or what served you as a light in your dark flight from the eternal valley, which lies forever blind in darkness night? Are the laws of the pit so broken? Or is a new counsel published in Heaven that the damned may wander onto my rocks from the abyss of Hell?”—The Divine Comedy - Purgatorio: Canto I: lines 43-48
I’ve lived my life for almost 19 years now. And I found that I mess it up more than I make it better. I’m not very good at this existing thing. It boils down to I don’t know what to do with my life or how to run it. I look at my friends and I realize that they really don’t know what to do either. So they just smoke pot. Instead of becoming a complete waste of space and life I’m concluded that my life is now completely God’s.
I’m not like taking a vow of silence or joining becoming a priest but I’m giving my life to God. By this I mean everything I do, I’m doing it for God. This isn’t anything new, I decided this before summer started and so far I’m really enjoying it.
I’m letting God use me anyway He needs to glorify Him. This means that no matter what God wants for me, I’m going to do it. Even if it means losing and giving up everything. If I have to die alone without a dollar to my name, then so be it. If that is what God wants then I’m happy.
I’ve learned a bunch already, mostly when a situation looks bad I just asked God to use it to glorify Him and show me something that I need to know. And it ALWAYS works out.
But as of right now I’m just a college sophomore and I have no idea what God wants from me. So I’m just gonna do what I feel is best. I’m trying to grow mentally, physically and spiritually. I’m starting to read stuff like the Divine Comedy and self-teach music. I’m working out all the time and pushing my body beyond limits. I pray all the time and read the Bible and take the time to understand it as well. And it’s really working out.
"Fear not, for I am with thee, and will bless thee"
Its come that point in my faith when I’m starting to realize that this world has nothing on me. I used to have fears of dying or getting hurt. Fears of losing a loved one to death or lack of communication. I don’t really feel that anymore.
I’ve always been told that the only thing I need to fear is God. I never really understood this, until a few weeks back. It was finals and while I was walking back to Ket Rec to go study, me and a few friends laid down on the lower quad to watch the lightning from a storm off in the distance. It was peaceful. In fact, this is one of the few times that I have ever felt so much peace. But I was also terrified. Not because of the lightning or the upcoming finals, but of the power of God.
I felt small and insignificant. God could crush me without even trying. There I was, laying in out on the quad. Me. One out of how many billions of people there are on this earth. Instead of feeling useless, I understood that if God cares enough for someone as small as me. I should be damn thankful. At the same time I realized that God is not a force to oppose.
Ever since then I can say I haven’t really felt fear. The only thing I fear is God. But its a respectful fear, just like a son fears and loves his father. Yeah I still flinch when I’m in the sparring rink and I see a punch coming my way. But I’m not afraid. In the end, all the pain, the loss, the hurt and the regret, it all goes a way. It might be with me for now, but God is here to help live out the rest of my life without buckling under the pressure.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all the people that I’ve every wronged in the short amount of time that I’ve been alive. I mess up a lot. Most of the time it was completely harmless, it just went the wrong way. I wish I could apologize to every person I’ve ever hurt, but time and physical locations are both working against me. Not to mention my memory of what I did to who. I can, without a doubt, say that I have messed up and been pissed off at myself for doing so more than I have been proud of what I had done.
The worst part about hurting someone else is that you can never know what they are truly thinking and feeling. They tell me that its okay, but its hard to believe them. Not that I don’t trust them, I just don’t want them to be still upset. I have made many apologies in my life, but compared to the amount of times that I have messed up, I need to make a whole hell of a lot more.
It sucks because I know its gonna happen eventually. Sometime down the road, I know that I’m probably gonna really hurt or piss off a person that I care for. Why do I know this? Because I’m human and its in my nature to fuck up. But then it goes back to all the people that I have hurt. They are human to and are gonna do the same thing. The only person to ever walk this earth, and to have not messed up, was beaten beyond human recognition and then nailed to a cross.
So knowing that I’m gonna mess up no matter how hard I try not too, how can I hold a grudge or be angry at someone else for hurting me? I find at first there is sense of anger toward the opposing party, but eventually I come to terms with idea and its not so bad. I don’t wanna lose a friendship or some other type of relationship because some else, or more commonly, me messed up. In the end, its not worth it..
I’ve only been home from college for a couple of days and already I want to leave. I really enjoy college but its not like I’m dying to get back, I just don’t wanna be here anymore. This place just seems like a house that I live at, just like my dorm room did. Its not my home, but I’m comfortable enough to sleep here. What does this mean?
I used to enjoy sitting at home and just relaxing. I can’t stand it anymore. I love being outside, even if its miserable out. Even as I sit here right now I wanna be out there. But it seems that its more than that. I feel a pull. I feel like I’m supposed to be going some where but I just don’t know where. I’m not much of a traveler but the world is big and this little box that I have lived in my whole life is starting to suffocate me.
Maybe its that time in life. There is no way I would ever be able to make it on my own based on the mount of money that I don’t have. But sometimes I wish I could do it.
The pull I feel to get out and do something is starting to become overwhelming. What is God telling me? What does He want me to do? But ultimately, what is my purpose?
“Later, when I was dead, St. Francis came to claim my soul, but one of the Black Angels said: ‘Leave him. Do not wrong me. This one’s name went into my book the moment he resolved to give false counsel. Since then he has been mine; for who does not repent cannot be absolved; nor can we admit the possibility of repenting a thing at the same time it is willed, for the two acts are contradictory.’”—The Divine Comedy: Inferno, Canto 27: lines 109-117 by Dante Alighieri
"The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit."
This verse has come to mean so much more to me every time I read it. The idea behind it is simple, peoples pasts are irrelevant once they have been saved by Christ. All of the sins and mistakes of their past are no longer important. Their future is also unpredictable because no one knows what God has planned for them. I feel like I’ve always knew what it was saying, but it hasn’t been until recently that I truly understand its meaning.
I just finished up my freshman year at college and it didn’t go as expected. It’s a Christian based school, so I was hoping I’d grow with God but instead I spend much of my time pushing Him away. I don’t know why it happened but I seemed to have let things of this world get to me. My best friends from home were changing rapidly. Originally their texts were depressing but they soon changed into drunk/high texts. I’m not one for talking about these kinda problems cause I’m man right and need to deal with it by myself…. I was wrong. Luckily, I did have one person I could in fact talk to, he was dependable and extremely good at these kind of things. Unfortunately he became depressed and suicidal. It was a losing battle. Instead of turning to God, I did the opposite and as the year progressed I just lost touch with God.
The negative effects were growing slowly and it not only effected me. I grew extremely bitter and my outlook on life became overly negative. I would basically just sulk around and became extremely moody. I’m the kind of person who is ‘high on life’ and for me to not be happy, is extremely rare. Everything became boring and uninteresting. I started becoming aggressive and mean to people, even ones who I had called friends.
I knew something was wrong but I just let it go. I had even feel the urge to go the prayer room, but I never went. I wasn’t until my girlfriend broke up with me and said something that really made me think. She was my best friend on campus so she knew me best. She said it wasn’t working out for her because of my negativity and how mean I was to her friends. She said “you weren’t like this in the beginning”. I couldn’t be upset at her for breaking up with me. She was right.
Two days later I went to the prayer room with a good friend of mine. For the first time in a long time, I was praying again. It felt good. I felt alive again. Almost instantly I was back to normal. I felt God in my life and so could other people. But the guilt of what I had done to other people including my ex was killing me inside. So I went about making my apologizes. I just hope they all forgive me.
So back to John 3:8. Is this what it means. Should I just move on from what I did and just let God take me from here? I know it was the past, but I lost a lot of great opportunities with friends and I lost the chance with an amazing girl. What else did I miss. But then again, God has a plan, and maybe that was apart of it.
So for now, I’m just gonna let God take me where He wants me to go. I’m not gonna try to figure it out or try to go my own way. God is in-charge and the only one who knows where I’m going.